Book in
Please please let me book in and confine me. Make me the guard 2 for next weekend and give me tons of work. Haiz. Because I know it washes everything away. When I am back in there with that green Uniform on me, I think no more than what I am doing. I was once a firm believer in getting things sorted out rather than running away. Now i am that little boy in his slippers running down the empty streets all drenched in the rain. The boy who stole the apple. The boy who gave in to his desires with an irrational mind. Piece of crap.
I knew this will happen some day. Its just a matter of time I let loose my feelings. But I wished it never happened. That it never existed. Why can't things be the way it was. Dwell in the static past. Time and again I made promises saying I won't ever I won't ever but every single time I break them. Is it because I made the promises knowing its something i won't be able to keep? Because my will isn't strong enough to hold against my emotions. And now I add on to her problem, when I said I won't ever be.Fuck! excuse the language.
And now I wonder. If this series of event is predestined. And that whatever happened was meant to happen. Whatever will happen will happen no matter how hard I tried. And i did try. I tried to prevent it. By holding back. And I know its all too late and useless to say all this now. What I said last night will have its consequences. And I know how she will feel to hear me say those words. But what can I do. I am but a human manipulated by my emotions. And I know that I will run away in cowardice once again. And that it will hurt her again. This world is seriously full of shit.What can I do what can I do. I wish I get shot during platoon live firing sia. So I can have a hole big enough for me to hide. I am seriously defenseless and helpless and pathetic sia. And now I am thinking of dying. What the!!! Whats wrong with me. I am just not the Kelvin i recognise.Wake up!!!! stop living in the beauty of this dream.
kaoz. I think I just made her feel sad again.
Arg damn it sia. I don't feel like writing or saying anything anymore.
I knew this will happen some day. Its just a matter of time I let loose my feelings. But I wished it never happened. That it never existed. Why can't things be the way it was. Dwell in the static past. Time and again I made promises saying I won't ever I won't ever but every single time I break them. Is it because I made the promises knowing its something i won't be able to keep? Because my will isn't strong enough to hold against my emotions. And now I add on to her problem, when I said I won't ever be.Fuck! excuse the language.
And now I wonder. If this series of event is predestined. And that whatever happened was meant to happen. Whatever will happen will happen no matter how hard I tried. And i did try. I tried to prevent it. By holding back. And I know its all too late and useless to say all this now. What I said last night will have its consequences. And I know how she will feel to hear me say those words. But what can I do. I am but a human manipulated by my emotions. And I know that I will run away in cowardice once again. And that it will hurt her again. This world is seriously full of shit.What can I do what can I do. I wish I get shot during platoon live firing sia. So I can have a hole big enough for me to hide. I am seriously defenseless and helpless and pathetic sia. And now I am thinking of dying. What the!!! Whats wrong with me. I am just not the Kelvin i recognise.Wake up!!!! stop living in the beauty of this dream.
kaoz. I think I just made her feel sad again.
Arg damn it sia. I don't feel like writing or saying anything anymore.
posted by zente @ 11:11 PM
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